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The Best of Him, the Worst of Her
By Tigress Luv, The Breakup Guru

The other night Jessi was sitting outside, under the stars, grieving over the loss of her relationship. She loved her ex-boyfriend, Robert, with all her heart and was confused how he could just vacate the relationship and be so cruel and unloving to her. She had never done anything to him to make him behave so badly. As she sat there, looking up into the night heavens, she thought about Robert and how much she missed him. She thought of all the things they had experienced together and felt so lost and alone.

Her mind was actively thinking as her heart was grieving; she lingered there in heart-wrenching grief, scrutinizing his cruel actions and the way he seemed to not care about her at all. As if she had never really meant anything to him. As if she had done some cruel, mean, or hurtful thing to him. Then it hit her! She now knew. And she was floored. All of a sudden she had an epiphany to beat all epiphanies.

It seems that Jessi was remembering her ex-boyfriend, Robert, in a positive light. She remembered all the fun they once shared. The good times, the happy moments. When she first met Robert he was wonderful to her. What changed, she asked herself? Where did the relationship go wrong? When did it turn sour?

She never saw the change in Robert. She always saw him in this positive light. The Robert he was when they first started dating - before he turned mean, cold and distant. Before he turned on her with hate and contempt, and told her repeatedly how 'awful' she was. And she never knew why he did this. But she still stood by him anyway. Remembering the wonderful man he once was, and refusing to hear or see the way he cut her down every time she was with him.

Then it hit Jessi. Like a slap across the face. She wasn't in love with Robert! She was in love with the 'dream' of Robert. The man she saw in her mind. The man he was a long, long time ago. Not the man who he really was today. While she had lovingly hung on to this love for a man that didn't exist anymore, she had to realize the truth; that she had lost Robert a long time ago. The man she knew now looked like Robert, oh yes, but wasn't the Robert that she loved. She hadn't seen that Robert in years. She didn't miss Robert; she missed the man she thought he was... a man she invented in her head and that truly only existed in her mind.

Sadly, while Jessi was blindly looking for the positive in Robert (because she didn't want to lose him), she denied herself the opportunity of seeing the real Robert. She had denied or refused to see the negative in him. In the meantime, Robert was looking for the negative in Jessi (because he didn't want to be in love with her). He didn't see her good qualities, but rather sought to see only the bad in her ... even going as far as to 'invent' bad things about her, or to over-exaggerate her slightest little flaws or mistakes.

She didn't want to lose him, so she clung on to seeing only the good things about him and refused to see the bad. She built him up in her mind to be far better than he really was. Opposite to this, Robert didn't want to be in the relationship, so he clung on to seeing only the flaws he found in her, and refused to see the good.

She was in love with a 'wonderful' man that didn't exist except in her head. He had left a 'flawed' woman that didn't exist except in his head.

Breakup Grief -vs- Over It and Moved On

Breakup Grief
REMORSE: All of a sudden noticing that your ex was wonderful and being in awe that they were so good-looking, funny, witty, smart, and a great catch.

Over It and Moved On
RELIEF: All of a sudden noticing that your ex is an idiot and being in awe that you ever thought they were good-looking, funny, witty, smart, or a great catch.

best of me

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Article brought to you by Tigress Luv, the Breakup Guru

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