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Breakup
The Philosophy of a Breakup
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Maybe it's not
a Madness
· How
to Kill a Relationship
·
Maintaining Your Dignity
·
Things to
Help You Wallow
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Breakups
are for Everyone
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Breaking
up with Style
· Break Up? Here's to YOU!
·
Commitment-Phobe-Hee-Haw
·
The 8 Stages of Relationships
·
More...
The Lighter Side of Breaking Up
·
Your Breakup Look
· Proverbs
for the Fridge
· The
Breakup Bumper Sticker
· "Hello,
John...?"
·
Instant
Messenger Break Up
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The Healing Side of a Breakup
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Singlehood is GOOD!
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Does
My Ex Miss
Me?
·
How
to Meet Men
·
Meeting Someone New (or
Old)
· Dating Tips
for the Tipless
·
Communication...
what?
· Flirting
is an Art ;)
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Stages Of Breaking
Up
The Six Stages
Of Breaking Up and A Failed Relationship
By Tigress Luv, the Breakup
Guru
(Based on webpages
taken from About Your Breakup .com
and from the books,
How to Get Over a Breakup, and
How to Stop A Break Up and Win An Ex
Back)
Stages of
Breaking Up One: Falling in Love
In the beginning of a relationship
the world is great. You truly think that the sun really is shining
brighter than before. You notice for the first time ever how absolutely beautiful
that old oak tree on Main Street is. You wake up in the morning with the
sweetest feelings of warmth. There is a sparkle in your eyes and a new spring
in your walk! You are ‘falling' in Love!
New love is selfish love. We value another
because they make our life better. Love isn't a thing or an emotion. Love
is an effect. We fall in love with somebody, not because of who they are,
but because of how they make us feel about ourselves. We feel we can make
them happy, and making another happy makes us feel happy. They are
attracted to us so therefore we suddenly feel very attractive and grow in
our self-esteem. The more they are attracted to us the better we feel, and
the better we feel the more we are attracted back to them for making us feel
this good. In turn, they feel the same feelings and emotions as us
because we are making them feel good about themselves, too! What a great
cycle of love; we actually fall in love with each other for making us feel
so great about ourselves. We can make this person happy–and that will
make us happy. Our future has the promise of "happiness"! They show admiration
and appreciation for our accomplishments, goals, lifestyles–therefore
we gain a renewed self-confidence and pride–we must be great! They are
patient and accepting of our shortcomings, faults, and flaws (they even think
our shortcomings are cute!) and therefore we must have over-exaggerated our
faults and we now find a perfect contentment and acceptance of ourselves.
Wouldn't it be wonderful if we could always feel this in love with
ourselves!!!!????
"It is only in the beginning stages
of love that we can make the conscious
decision to allow or not
allow ourselves to love."~~Tigress Luv
YOUR EMOTIONS THROUGHOUT STAGE ONE
OF BREAKING UP
-
Elated Pride, increased self-awareness
and self-approval
-
Desire felt by lust
-
Human love and friendship, open and
inviting
-
Curiosity and actively seeking new
Stages of
Breaking Up
Two: Being in Love
Giving to each other makes each happy.
They have made us feel so happy and we want to make them happy in return.
We want to assure their happiness to guarantee them in our lives and hearts
forever. We delight in showing our love, our acceptance, and our appreciation
with the other. Their happiness is of the utmost importance to us. We demonstrate
appreciation of their impact in our lives by giving them little gifts. We
relish in making them as happy as they have made us feel by doing little
things for them and caring about them. We meet each other's basic emotional
needs. It is in this stage that we start to notice those little things
about them that make them so adorable! Their crooked smile, the way they
walk, the feel of their lovemaking, the smell of their skin, the touch of
their hand. "Being in Love" is different from "Falling in Love". We now feel
love toward the other person because we appreciate them more for who they
are as opposed to how they made us feel about ourselves. We
actually become addicted, in a sense, to the routine of them and the
familiarity of a certain lifestyle that we share as a couple. We are
hooked.
YOUR EMOTIONS THROUGHOUT STAGE TWO
OF BREAKING UP
-
Elated Pride, increased appreciation
of the other
-
Desire felt by trust
-
Human love and friendship, giving
and caring
-
Curiosity turns into personal
satisfaction
Stages of
Breaking Up Three: Expecting Love
We have reached the stage where we
are in loving relationship. We feel safe, protected, secure, content. Our
vulnerabilities we wear on our sleeves with no fear of them being taken advantage
of. Our emotions are free-flowing, open, and trusting. Yet, sometimes when
we open ourselves up to trusting emotions we can get confused in our beliefs
that this trust is somehow being violated by our significant other...especially
if we somehow feel our emotional needs are not being met, or our loving ways
are not being appreciated. This is the stage where
our pride and ego step in and work against us - destroying our very
own happiness!
We subconsciously seek and expect
certain proofs, respects, and validations of our feelings. For instance,
he wants to go bowling with his buddies tonight and you are nervously fretting
over an important job interview tomorrow. He leaves and you mistakenly resent
him. "If he loved me he would have known how much I needed him to be with
me tonight!" Because you love the other you have openly gave to them,
willing and freely, but now you feel hurt and anger that your needs
weren't respected, acknowledged, or important to them. You have come
to expect certain actions from your mate that reaffirm your love and make
you feel validated, and they didn't do that by electing to not stay with
you. You start to question their love for you.
YOUR EMOTIONS THROUGHOUT STAGE THREE
OF BREAKING UP
-
Pride turns into wounded and hurt
feelings
-
Desire turns into compliance
-
Human love and friendship turns into
negotiating tactics
-
Curiosity turns into invasive probing
Stages of
Breaking Up Four: Questioning the Others Love Intent
It is at this stage when we are more
likely to feel anger, hurt, and betrayal if we feel our needs are not being
fulfilled. Hurt emotions overwhelm logic and judgment. We get defensive
and egotistical. We are selfish. We start to put ourselves #1 and often feel
indignant. "If they loved me they would do this, or not have done that, etc."
We start to withdraw from doing those little things for them, after all if
our needs aren't met then why should we meet theirs. (This will show him
how much he hurt me!) Even though we may have withdrawn our ‘giving'
we start to expect even more in return. Our pride and ego step in and
take front row! We demand certain signs from them as a show of
their love and how much they are sorry that they have unintentionally
hurt us. They, in turn, realize you have withdrawn your love and have insulted
them, either by verbally attacking them, or demeaning them, and they proceed
to protect themselves, too, by doing just the opposite of what you want
from them. They withdraw their loving ways too, at a time when you are needing
their validation of love more than ever. Now, neither one of you are getting
your emotional needs met. Unfortunately, it is in this stage that
couples are still very much emotionally bonded. That makes the pain
of the other's actions all that much more damaging. Our ego and pride nose
dive! We lash out at the other, our intent to belittle them, make them lesser
in our book in order to kill our pain of rejection - loss of pride and bruised
ego again rule the day. Your relationship has now become a showdown between
two selfish people who's only attempt is to protect their own selves at all
costs! This is the last dance you two will ever share...each step
your partner takes you react accordingly. Without either of you realizing
it you have created a cycle of conflict, resisting, and attacking–and
eventual withdrawal. And sadly neither one of you are even aware of your
role in the conflict. You are both filled with resentment–and resentment
makes you feel angry, critical, hostile, frustrated, and unloving. Resentment
makes both partners separate from the other and retreat behind their own
personal walls.
YOUR EMOTIONS THROUGHOUT STAGE FOUR
OF BREAKING UP
-
Pride turns to Shame
-
Desire turns to Disillusion and Anger
-
Human love to resentful loneliness
-
Curiosity to Distraction and Unconcern
If they are blocked long enough, and
all hope is gone, the blocked emotions change into hopeless
emotions:
Stages of
Breaking Up Five: Hiding From Love
We withdraw from one another, forming
an impenetrable wall of protection from the pain. The pain and hurt we both
feel is from the feeling that we gave of our love so freely, and did not
have it neither validated, nor appreciated. We feel that nothing we had ever
did made the other one happy. They expected more and more from us, but didn't
give anything in return. In this stage, in order to protect ourselves
from hurt and pain, we become very good at convincing ourselves that we don't
need, want, love, or even like the other person. We separate from
them, if not in our physical environment, in our mental and emotional
environment. We dwell on all the bad things about the other, often times
escalating the slightest things to justify our own reasons and to deter
self-blame. If this stage is left untreated we eventually fall prey to the
final stage...falling out of love.
YOUR EMOTIONS THROUGHOUT STAGE FIVE
OF BREAKING UP
-
Pride turns to Contempt and Hurtful
Actions
-
Desire turns to Fear of Losing Self
-
Human love turns to Disdain, Repulsiveness
and Rejection
-
Curiosity turns to Detachment and
Apathy
Stages of
Breaking Up Six: Falling Out of Love
In this final stage it is common for
the relationship to take on either one of these two
directions:
-
Both parties walk away, neither attempting
to rekindle the loss. Our hearts are heavy and empty. We feel betrayed, hurt,
and resentful. How could they allow such ruin? We do not feel good about
ourselves. The sun has stopped shining, the old oak tree is wicked looking,
with gnarled twisted branches, your eyes have dark circles under them and
there is a dragging shuffle in your walk. You have fallen out of love.
-
Only one party walks away, feeling
empty and emotionally exhausted. While this happens the other partner
realizes their impending loss and wants to try and save the relationship.
They become the pursuer, forcing the absent partner to take on the roll of
the pursued. The more the pursuer pursues, the more the pursued tries to
flee. Ego and pride has been damaged. The pursued party becomes focused on
one goal, and that is getting out of the relationship that
made them feel stripped of pride and emotional well-being. There are no
other options considered by the pursued party. They are adamantly, and
ignorantly, finished - and nothing will penetrate their intent to exit the
relationship. They usually get 'tunnel-vision', seeing nothing else outside
of their goal to end the relationship. The more they are intent on
this goal, the more the pursuer clings to them, or pleas with them.
The pursuer may make promises to 'change', try reasoning tactics, frantically
pour out their love, threaten, act helpless - any tactic they can use, except
the right one!
YOUR EMOTIONS THROUGHOUT STAGE SIX OF
BREAKING UP
-
Pride turns to Egotism and Selfishness
-
Desire turns to Shame
-
Human love turns to Blame, Resentment
and Bitter Anger
-
Curiosity turns to Detachment and Apathy
You can
prevent the final stage from happening if you catch it in Stage Five. Read
how to stop your break
up.
By Tigress Luv, the Breakup Guru
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