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Signs of a Controlling Relationship

Signs of a Controlling Relationship
By Tigress Luv, The Breakup Guru

controlling relationship signs What are some signs of a controlling relationship? Well, first let me say that if you are reading this, especially if you put the words 'signs of a controlling relationship' into a search online and that lead you to this page, then odds are you, or someone you love or care about, is in a controlling relationship.

Here then, are the signs of a controlling relationship. See if you can identify with any of them.

1) Ungentle treatment. In most loving, normal relationships we treat each other with kindness and gentleness. In a controlling relationship one person (the controller) treats the other person (probably you if you are reading this) roughly or harshly. They may pinch, push, slap, scratch, bite, punch, or kick you. They also may trip you, pull your hair, twist your arm, jack you up against the wall, or knock you down. Additionally, they may indirectly control you by breaking things, knocking doors down, or punching holes in the walls. These are all ways the controller uses to intimidate you by instilling fear in you.

2) Violent temper. A violent temper is one of the hallmark signs of a controlling relationship. A person who has a temper that is explosive most likely has a control issue. Anger is a result of us having no control over a situation. The feelings behind anger are not aggression, assertiveness, strength, toughness, rigidity, indignation, outrage, injustice, or self-righteousness. Just the opposite – anger is actually the reaction to the emotion of feeling powerless, vulnerable and weak! A controlling person will never feel comfortable being powerless, vulnerable, or weak, so their anger can be quite frightening. It also is usually directed outward; they may throw things, drive recklessly, punch things, kick the dog, scream loudly, or get into a lot of fights with others.

3) Blame and projection. Another one of the signs of a controlling relationship is a lot of finger pointing done to you. If the Controller is constantly blaming you for everything, especially anything that they may have done wrong, then you are most likely are in a controlling relationship. If it is your fault they lost their temper, your fault they cheated on you, your fault they hit you, you might soon come to believe it. Guess what? YOU are not at fault for his lack of control. Controlling people often have a way of twisting things around, and turning issues around, so much so that you start to feel like you are going crazy. One of the ways they do this is called 'projection'. This is a process where they take all their own issues, faults, or flaws, and project them onto you. It is strange how well they can do this. If you think about it, isn't it more likely that what your Controller accuses you of, is actually what he, himself, is guilty of?

The problem is so many of us eventually begin to believe that we are horrible or crazy. This is what happens to victims of emotional, verbal, psychological, or mental abuse. We start to feel depressed, inferior, etc. You don't see it happening...it sneaks up on you so slowly that you don't even hear it coming. We walk away from the confrontation - or the relationship - feeling ugly; shameful; needy; insecure; incapable; clumsy; inadequate; can't measure up; unlovable and unloved; nagging; jealous; brow-beating; over-controlling; fat/skinny; butchy; bitchy; insulting; uncaring; stupid; unpopular; and more.

Believe me, the words that are said to you by a Controller can more readily apply to him... Think about it!Take every bad thing your Controller says about you and then ask yourself, does that description more easily describe him or I? I bet it's him! Go ahead–try it! What does your Controller accuse you of being? Controlling? Angry? Bitter? Manic-depressive? Jealous? Self-centered? Self-pitying? Self-absorbed? Demanding? Never happy? Mistrusting? Unloyal? Dramatic? Out of control? Insecure? Uncaring? See!

4) Passive control. Not all controlling people use aggression or anger to control. Feeling lonely or emotionally starved may be other signs of a controlling relationship. Controllers often use the 'silent treatment' as a way to control or punish you. They may also withhold affection or sex as a way to control your emotions and make you feel a deeper need for them. Controllers may also use guilt to control you. They may pretend to be sick, depressed, or show feelings of inadequacy in order to keep you connected to them and under their control because you feel guilty. They may also try to gain your pity or emotional attachment by displaying helplessness or weaknesses.

5) Extreme attachment. Controllers usually have one thing in common. They fall in love quickly and become attached to their partners almost from date one. You may hear the confessions of love on date two, and may get a proposal on date three. Beware! Real love takes time to cultivate and grow to the maturity of an 'ever-lasting' stage. Normal people do not become attached to someone in an instant. These are early signs of a controlling relationship in the making, and should be heeded.


6) Constant insults and put-downs. Finding that you are slowly losing your self-confidence is another one of the signs of a controlling relationship. Controllers attempt to bring down your own feelings of self-worth and self-value. They do this to insure that you stay with them. I mean, you are just so horrible - who else would want you? They search and invent flaws in you. You can never feel comfortable, always worrying whether you are saying or doing the right thing. When out in public with the Controller you worry about what 'trouble' lies ahead of you when you two get home. You are on a constant vigilance of your actions. Did you accidentally look at that man in the corner? Did you accidentally say or do something that would embarrass him?

7) Taking away your means. Losing your friends, job, money, vehicle, or other outside network are signs of a controlling relationship. The Controller wishes to keep you under their control, and they cannot do this if you have a job, friends, family, church, money, or freedom to come and go as you please. They will encourage you to drop all your outside interest, groups, functions, hobbies, entertainment, or recreational activities.

For more information on narcissistic men please visit http://breakingupwithyournarcissist.com or for breakup grief and relationship abuse help please visit 'Abuse 101', 'How to Break Free From Their Spell', or 'How to get Over a Break Up'.

Article brought to you by Tigress Luv, the Breakup Guru

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