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Breakup
The Philosophy of a Breakup
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Maybe it's not
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Maintaining Your Dignity
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Breakups
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Breaking
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Commitment-Phobe-Hee-Haw
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The 8 Stages of Relationships
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The Lighter Side of Breaking Up
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Your Breakup Look
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Instant
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The Healing Side of a Breakup
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Singlehood is GOOD!
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Does
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Meeting Someone New (or
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Are You Addicted to a Commitment Phobic
Man? |
Signs
of a Controlling Relationship
By Tigress Luv,
The Breakup Guru
What are some signs of a controlling
relationship? Well, first let me say that if you are reading this, especially
if you put the words 'signs of a controlling relationship' into a search
online and that lead you to this page, then odds are you, or someone you
love or care about, is in a controlling relationship.
Here then, are the signs of a controlling
relationship. See if you can identify with any of them.
1) Ungentle treatment. In most loving,
normal relationships we treat each other with kindness and gentleness.
In a controlling relationship one person (the controller) treats the other
person (probably you if you are reading this) roughly or harshly. They
may pinch, push, slap, scratch, bite, punch, or kick you. They also may trip
you, pull your hair, twist your arm, jack you up against the wall, or knock
you down. Additionally, they may indirectly control you by breaking things,
knocking doors down, or punching holes in the walls. These are all ways the
controller uses to intimidate you by instilling fear in you.
2) Violent temper. A violent temper is
one of the hallmark signs of a controlling relationship. A person who has
a temper that is explosive most likely has a control issue. Anger is a result
of us having no control over a situation. The feelings behind anger are not
aggression, assertiveness, strength, toughness, rigidity, indignation, outrage,
injustice, or self-righteousness. Just the opposite – anger is actually
the reaction to the emotion of feeling powerless, vulnerable
and weak! A controlling person will never feel comfortable being
powerless, vulnerable, or weak, so their anger can be quite frightening.
It also is usually directed outward; they may throw things, drive recklessly,
punch things, kick the dog, scream loudly, or get into a lot of fights with
others.
3) Blame and projection. Another one
of the signs of a controlling relationship is a lot of finger pointing done
to you. If the Controller is constantly blaming you for everything, especially
anything that they may have done wrong,
then you are most likely are in
a controlling relationship. If it is your fault they lost their temper, your
fault they cheated on you, your fault they hit you, you might soon come to
believe it. Guess what? YOU are not at fault for his lack of control. Controlling
people often have a way of twisting things around, and turning issues around,
so much so that you start to feel like you are going crazy. One of the ways
they do this is called 'projection'. This is a process where they take all
their own issues, faults, or flaws, and project them onto you. It is strange
how well they can do this. If you think about it, isn't it more likely that
what your Controller accuses you of, is actually what he, himself,
is guilty of?
The problem
is so many of us eventually begin to believe that we are horrible
or crazy. This is what happens to victims of emotional, verbal, psychological,
or mental abuse. We start to feel depressed, inferior, etc. You don't see
it happening...it sneaks up on you so slowly that you don't even hear it
coming. We walk away from the confrontation - or the relationship - feeling
ugly; shameful; needy; insecure; incapable; clumsy; inadequate; can't measure
up; unlovable and unloved; nagging; jealous; brow-beating; over-controlling;
fat/skinny; butchy; bitchy; insulting; uncaring; stupid; unpopular;
and more.
Believe
me, the words that are said to you by a Controller can more readily apply
to him... Think about it! Take every bad thing your Controller
says about you and then ask yourself, does that description more easily describe
him or I? I bet it's him! Go ahead–try it! What does your Controller
accuse you of being? Controlling? Angry? Bitter? Manic-depressive? Jealous?
Self-centered? Self-pitying? Self-absorbed? Demanding? Never happy? Mistrusting?
Unloyal? Dramatic? Out of control? Insecure? Uncaring? See!
4) Passive control. Not all controlling people use aggression or anger to
control. Feeling lonely or emotionally starved may be other signs of a
controlling relationship. Controllers often use the 'silent treatment' as
a way to control or punish you. They may also withhold affection or sex as
a way to control your emotions and make you feel a deeper need for them.
Controllers may also use guilt to control you. They may pretend to be sick,
depressed, or show feelings of inadequacy in order to keep you connected
to them and under their control because you feel guilty. They may also try
to gain your pity or emotional attachment by displaying helplessness or
weaknesses.
5) Extreme attachment. Controllers usually
have one thing in common. They fall in love quickly and become attached to
their partners almost from date one. You may hear the confessions of love
on date two, and may get a proposal on date three. Beware! Real love takes
time to cultivate and grow to the maturity of an 'ever-lasting' stage.
Normal people do not become attached to someone in an instant. These are
early signs of a controlling relationship in the making, and should be
heeded.
6) Constant insults and put-downs. Finding
that you are slowly losing your self-confidence is another one of the signs
of a controlling relationship. Controllers attempt to bring down your own
feelings of self-worth and self-value. They do this to insure that you stay
with them. I mean, you are just so horrible - who else would want you? They
search and invent flaws in you. You can never feel comfortable, always worrying
whether you are saying or doing the right thing. When out in public with
the Controller you worry about what 'trouble' lies ahead of you when you
two get home. You are on a constant vigilance of your actions. Did you
accidentally look at that man in the corner? Did you accidentally say or
do something that would embarrass him?
7) Taking away your means. Losing your
friends, job, money, vehicle, or other outside network are signs of a controlling
relationship. The Controller wishes to keep you under their control, and
they cannot do this if you have a job, friends, family, church, money, or
freedom to come and go as you please. They will encourage you to drop
all your outside interest, groups, functions, hobbies, entertainment, or
recreational activities.
For more help please visit
'Abuse 101',
'How to Break
Free From Their Spell', or
'How to get Over a Break
Up'.
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