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Breakup
The Philosophy of a Breakup
·
Maybe it's not
a Madness
· How
to Kill a Relationship
·
Maintaining Your Dignity
·
Things to
Help You Wallow
·
Breakups
are for Everyone
·
Breaking
up with Style
· Break Up? Here's to YOU!
·
Commitment-Phobe-Hee-Haw
·
The 8 Stages of Relationships
·
More...
The Lighter Side of Breaking Up
·
Your Breakup Look
· Proverbs
for the Fridge
· The
Breakup Bumper Sticker
· "Hello,
John...?"
·
Instant
Messenger Break Up
·
More...
The Healing Side of a Breakup
·
Singlehood is GOOD!
·
Does
My Ex Miss
Me?
·
How
to Meet Men
·
Meeting Someone New (or
Old)
· Dating Tips
for the Tipless
·
Communication...
what?
· Flirting
is an Art ;)
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Are You Addicted to a Commitment Phobic
Man? |
Buenos Noches
 The moment my partner said, “I can’t
do this anymore; I’m sorry, we’re finished.”, the sky opened
up and swallowed me whole. It’s only normal; you’re left there
standing in the middle of your livingroom, watching him drive away, and your
world is officially OVER. It is now Kleenex Time.
I admit, I didn’t handle my pain too well. I spent hours and hours in
bed, weeping, saturating my pillow with tears I thought would never end;
calling his cell phone and crying, crying and asking him ” WHY?
WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY?” It’s bad enough to feel like a jerk and subject
yourself to even behaving like a needy, out of control child, but to have
him sternly tell you to leave him alone seems to have the opposite effect;
what I heard was, “If you bother me enough, if you fall apart, unravel
to nothingness, cry incessantly, and call me every three minutes, I’ll
come running to your side.”
This didn’t work. The pain was killing me. I wanted to die. My room
looked like a pig sty; I looked like a pig. My eyes were swollen shut; my
face was bloated like a beach ball; my nose was red and chapped from blowing
it so hard 10,000 times. I couldn’t eat, sleep or shower. I went from
an attractive, young funny and lovable girl to an ugly, hateful, inconsolable
pig within 72 hours.
“Do NOT pick up the phone!”, I’d tell myself, and faster than
the speed of light, I’d have hit those keys YET AGAIN to ensure I’d
piss him off forever and never get him back. I was FAR FAR AWAY; my logic
did not exist in this dimension; I began to create my own rules for reality,
and I was sure that if I could get him to listen, that I could win him back!!!
“DON’T HANG UP, Please!”, I pleaded when I called him for
the 44th time that day. “PLEASE, HONEY; YOU HAVE TO HELP ME; I’M
LOST, SICK, I FEEL TERRIBLE; I NEED YOUR HELP!!!!!!!” “What do
you need?”, he asked in the most bored, asshole tone of voice I’ve
ever heard. I think he even sighed. “Well, okay, now just listen”,
I rambled like a maniac; “if you would just come over and talk to me,
JUST TALK TO ME, I don’t know, somehow I just know I’d be able
to stop crying and feeling sick; and then I could eat and feel better about
everything and it would be alright; so I just know that seeing you again
would do that for me! Okay? Okay? Can you come over????” I sounded like
a nutcase amped up on No-Doz who was convinced she sounded normal, logical,
and even a bit friendly. “That’s ridiculous!”, he shouted,
“it’s OVER, I don’t LOVE YOU anymore!” “Well, alright,
sure, yeah I do understand that and I’ve accepted it; no, I really have,
but now we can be friends, and boy, I sure could use a friend right now cos
I just got dumped by the love of my……oh, right, you know that story
already, but seriously, if you would just come by, you could see for yourself
that I just need a friend; I’m doing great, really, and gosh, I sure
would feel better if you would just come by and say hi, will you, huh, please,
will you?” My voice had risen in pitch to a frenzied manic insane
person’s…Apparently he realized that this wasn’t going to
end until he did what I was frantically begging him to do. “Fine”,
he said, and hung up.
I was overjoyed! I’d been dumped; felt ill; was alone; knew it was over;
had made a complete ass of myself, but I was overjoyed. He was coming over.
A tiny voice asked, “Why are you doing this to yourself?” but I
was rushing to look GOOOOOOOOD when he arrived, so I didn’t listen to
a single word.
I looked in the bathroom mirror and saw the monster I’d become. OH MY
GOD! My nose was swollen like a football; all red and bulbous; my eyes looked
like they’d been sewn shut, there were huge bags under my eyes, they
were swollen beyond recognition. MAKEUP! My hands shook so badly I ended
up looking like ‘Whatever Happened to Baby Jane’ but maybe he
wouldn’t notice! I looked down and saw the tshirt I was wearing; it
was the one I had on when he dumped me; how many times had I already blown
my nose on IT??? Oh God; change clothes, FAST! I decided to put on my semi-sexy
little black nightie with the lacey robe…….that’d make me
look better. I walked in my room and found a garbage dump; things strewn
everywhere, things I’d thrown at the wall, a milkshake I’d shattered
a mirror with, all dried and sticky and smashed. I was a pig. I dug and dug
for that nightie and found it in a ball in the bottom of my laundry basket.
“There”, I said, “at last”, and as I admired my wrinkled.
smelly, pathetic self in the mirror, not really knowing who I was or what
I hoped to achieve, there was a loud knock on the back door. A mad and mean
knock. I put on my happy face.
“Commmmiiiiing!” I sang out, “happily”. One look at his
face told me that I not only looked like a freak, but that he was more pissed
off than he’d ever been. “Hi”, I said, in a small voice.
“thanks for coming over.” “Okay, I’m here, now what do
you want?” “Oh!! Oh well, come on in, let’s just talk.”
“No, I’m not coming in; I’m standing right here, you wanted
me to come and I’m here, now what is it?” We stood across the kitchen
from each other and when I realized I had nothing to say, I doubled over
and began to cry that primal cry that animals do when they’re dying
slow and painful deaths in the wild. “Oh Jesus, I came all this way
for THAT?” Amazingly, I cried harder still. “Blubber, blubber,
snot, sniff, snot, blow, blubber”, I said. “My God, this is CRAZY!
WHAT DO YOU WANT?” I took leave of my body. I sputtered out the words,
spit flying, snot running down my face, “I WANT YOUUUUUUUU!”
“That’s it, I’m outta here.” “Nooooooooo, no no
no no, please don’t leave, see, I’m okay?” I could taste the
mascara in my mouth; I wiped it away and looked like a tribal woman in full
tribal makeup. “Just just, oh please don’t do this to me, I’m
sick, I’m so sad, Please don’t do this, we can fix it! I’m
really FINE; I’m just a little upset, but I’m not a crazed person,
I’m your girlfriend, and I’m fine, honey!” “Goodbye”,
he said and turned to leave.
Suddenly there was a sound that made the
windows rattle and created incredible-sounding otherworldly noise while I
thoroughly and simultaneously THREW MYSELF AND MY SEXY SMELLY SLINKY BLACK
NUMBER ACROSS THE KITCHEN FLOOR, “nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
dooooooooon’t leeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeave meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee”
I pleaded as I slid the length of the kitchen and landed with my mouth on
one of his shoes. Naturally, I grabbed his leg with both arms and held on
for dear life. “You’re insane, let go of me, damnit, I want nothing
to do with you!!!!!!!!!!!!” He tried to move his leg, but I was latched
on, he shook it like he was shaking off a humping dog, but I clung to him
for dear life. “no nononoh please no don’t leave me here all
alone.”………Finally he jerked his leg away from me and
RAN, not walked, but RAN down the side of the house to his car as I lay there
with my head on the metal doorjam on the floor, half in and half out of the
house. I just lay there and watched him drive away. Just then, my neighbor,
a sweet Mexican lady, peeked out over the fence in the dark and said,
“Senorita, you okay??” “Ohhhhhh, Mariiiiaaaa! Hola!”
I sounded downright cheery. “Oh, si, estoy bien, mi amigo just dumped
me and I want to die, pero todo esta bien, Maria, muy bien y gracias Maria,
I’m going to die now, Buenos Noches.”
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